Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Path, known and forgotten

Unknown fear, little known desire,
Never has the path been clear

A jump here, a hop there,
Those who passed, come back to sneer

There were hints, that deceived,
And foes, held dear

Self-made rules broken without mercy,
Sought smile, found leer

It was never meant to be simple,
And never, has the path been clear.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Facebook for dummies!

Life is unfair as it is. On top of that, what if none of your Facebook friends ever 'like' any of your pictures or status updates? Scary.

Do you feel lost while checking random status messages / pictures from your friends, telling everyone about their latest exotic vacation, while you have nothing at all to post? Do you just end up staring blankly at the Facebook home page, wondering what should you type, to attract that much coveted 'like' from your friends, or even better, that elusive 'comment'?

Worry not, you aspiring facebook celebrities, because Yogi Baba has come to your rescue now. I will tell you, the step-by-step process, for taking popularity on cyber-space to the next level.

1. Choosing the right DP (display picture)

You can take a few days off from work before you decide on this. For females, it is easier: you can post a picture of some pet, or some cute kid (preferably with a love quote), or Katrina Kaif. And the guys will hound you, assuming you are hawt. Should you want to put up a pic of yourself, make sure it is mysterious looking, like half-side-face or only your eyes (with deep kajal). And the guys would hound you, assuming the rest of you looks slightly better. For guys, something like a broken guitar or torn jeans works. If you want to put up your own pic, you should have a fancy beard or goatee or funny hair, or at least wear goggles. Plain pics are just not cool. Sissy boys can put up pics of Shahrukh Khan.

2. Choosing the right friends, Hell yeah

Ok, get this straight. Send friend request to every goddamn profile you come across. Be shameless about this. You need not know them. And you need not even introduce yourself. Just send the requests. For every snooty tight-ass who rejects your request, there are at least a dozen other losers who will accept it. Remember, you need to have friends first, and only then they can 'like' what you post. If someone ever asks, 'do I know you?', you can give any silly reason, like this one I got from a guy who had sent me a request - 'we have 12 common friends, we must friend each other' !

3. Beg. Borrow. Steal

Now, coming to what you should post. Don't rack your brains, use Google instead. Young girls can post random love quotes, or about sufferings of love, or the agonizing wait for prince charming or how some Bollywood star-couple looks so cute together. If you can't think of anything, just post - I am sad or I need a hug. That always works. Since women refuse to believe that they don't fall in the category of 'young girls', they can do the same. Guys can post about cricket, the eternal favorite. Or alcohol.
You can always 'share' nice stuff someone else has posted, without giving due credits of course (you are not here to do charity, always remember!).

4. A picture is worth a thousand comments

Post as many pictures as you can. Eating at McDonald's with your friends? Click pics and upload. Movie with colleagues? Click pics and upload. Mom forced you to go to mandir with her? Click pics and upload. Vacation? Ooooh.. the bestest opportunity. Click pics and upload. And many of them. And tag all your friends, even if they are not in the pic. If you live an absolutely boring life, just upload 'Happy new year' wallpaper and tag all your friends.

5. Live commentary is fun

Cricket match? Soccer? Tennis? Parliament proceedings? It is your solemn duty to provide live commentary to fellow Facebook addicts who may not be able to watch the TV themselves. Or maybe they are watching, but you don't know. And often, these updates can lead to cyber war of words, which will help your cyber popularity like anything.

6. Stalk others. And they will stalk you in return

We are all parasites after all. Make your own gang of back-scratchers. And you are good to go!

Now, if you have found any of the above dope useful, please do 'like' this blog. And if you want to absolutely make sure that I know of your gratitude, please do leave a comment. And only should you want, you may share the link to this blog on your Facebook page. And, yeah, do tell your friends about it. *sheepish grin*

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